Our next chapter…

I’m sure you all have a lot of questions, and I can’t wait to fill you in on the last 13 weeks. If you’ve been following along for a while, you know Drew and I experienced a miscarriage with our first pregnancy back in November. Read more about Drew’s story behind the experience HERE. It was definitely the hardest thing Drew and I have gone through as a couple, but we came out so much stronger and closer in the end. I genuinely believe we are more ready than ever to be parents as a result of the experience. I hate to say it, but I personally feel I took the pregnancy experience for granted the first time around because I did not have a true understanding of how difficult it is to get (and stay) pregnant. I now understand how many miracles have to go right in a row for a successful pregnancy and I have so much more appreciation for the process. I also feel that it’s helped me connect with all of you on a deeper level that are also going through your own struggles. I want you to know that my heart is with you all, and I pray everyday that each of you will have your happy ending. I also pray my story will give you a light of hope at the end of a deep, dark tunnel I know all too well. Love you all!

If I’m being completely honest, the first trimester has been a really rough ride for me. We are so thankful and fortunate that we got pregnant soon after we experienced a miscarriage, but the weeks following the positive pregnancy test have been filled with a lot of fear and anxiety. I also want you to know that I am in no way complaining about the experience, and simply filling you in on what’s been going on for me the last 13 weeks. I hope you hear my heart in all of this. I am SO extremely grateful to be pregnant, especially after experiencing the pain and struggle of loss.

First of all, I’ve had severe morning sickness all the way up until about 12 weeks, and am just now starting to feel a little bit of relief at 13 weeks. Of course, that hasn’t been fun, but it’s been the least of my worries. In addition to that, I was diagnosed with a subchoronic hematoma (SCH) at 7 weeks, around the same time I experienced my miscarriage last time. If you’re curious, you can read more about SCH, but to explain briefly, it is a blood clot in-between the layers of your uterus and placenta that forms as a result of implantation bleeding. Depending on the size and location, it can cause miscarriage and preterm labor if it grows and does not resolve over time. I don’t want to go too deep into the story, but Drew and I went to dinner when I was around 7 weeks and I had a really intense active bleed in the bathroom at the restaurant where I thought I was miscarrying again. We quickly left the restaurant, and  I was told to hydrate and was on bed rest for 6 days. Thankfully the bleeding stopped and an ultrasound appointment told us that the baby was still present and healthy. I’ve never felt such an intense feeling of relief in my life. You can imagine the fear and anxiety that started to slip in after the recent memories of a miscarriage a couple weeks prior. I’ve continued to have intermittent spotting throughout the weeks following which bring up constant feelings of anxiety, but thankfully my recent 12-week appointment confirmed that the SCH has resolved. I feel so incredibly thankful for that and have been cleared to start working out again. Last but not least, just recently I had another episode in a restaurant (maybe I should stay away from eating out!), where my blood pressure dropped and I passed out cold on the floor of the restaurant. I felt a feeling of lightheadedness coming on, but did not expect to pass out at all. The ambulance came and checked all my vitals and couldn’t explain the incident. Our doctor doesn’t seem too concerned, but I run the constant fear of that happening again.

I say all this not to scare you or sway you from wanting to get pregnant, but what I’ve begun to realize that there is no ‘safe’ point of pregnancy, or parenthood for that matter. Most people and even doctors will say once you get past the first trimester, ‘you’re good, the risk of something bad happening is so low.’ But truth is, something can go wrong at any point, and it’s a reminder to me everyday to constantly be grateful and thank God for one more day of growth and health for this little baby. I now believe that this is only the beginning of worry for me as a mom. I’ll worry every day of this pregnancy, and I’ll worry everyday of this new baby’s life. It’s become my new reality, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I cannot wait to take you along on this incredible journey, and I’m so dang happy to say that this is my story now. I’m going to be a mama, finally!